It's OK to realize that you've lost control when control was the only thing you (thought you) knew you had. It's the essence of being human and realizing that sometimes, shit happens.
If you talked to me 3 weeks ago, my life was pretty fucking awesome. After a year of having that post-grad rut, I was making moves, doing things that made me proud, and I finally felt like I was finding happiness in my life again. The inspiration was surging back into my body. I wasn't just going through the motions of living, I was actually living.
Suddenly, one day it was all gone because of a mistake that I can really only blame on myself (and kinda on the fact that it's the year of the rooster and hence, I've been fucked from the get-go). To a person who lives in control, it's hard to think about what to do when you have to take control of your own self-caused madness.
I am as Type A as it comes. As many people will understand, Type A means you think you're the shit. You're confident and you know it. You get shit done, you don't dwell, you don't doddle because time is money and sitting around waiting for things to happen was and NEVER is the option. So you can understand how it feels when someone who has always taken charge of their life feels when they made a decision that made them lose complete and utter control: Embarrassed and Defeated.
Currently, I'm trying to get out of this hole I've so recklessly placed myself in, and to be honest it's hard. It's true what people say--you are your worst critic and you know why that is? It's because you know you can do better and you know that you are better. In moments like these, it's hard to move on and forgive yourself and this is normal. (Not all of us can be like Big Sean.--"last night took an L but tonight I bounce back") It takes time to bounce back especially after something that has affected your life so much.
For the past few weeks, I've kept under the radar and focused on myself and my happiness. Having one of those, re-centering moments as many people do after they've learned a lesson the hard way. In moments like these, it's important to remember that your mistakes don't define you and you can't allow them to. At the end of the day, I'm still type A and with all other situations, I need to regain control.
To do this, I'm trying to just get to the root of me and not worry about anyone else. It seems like in today's connected world, social media and the ability to contact someone (and anyone) instantaneously has really made me forget about myself and what I really want. Today's world is a kind of morphed reality where you're balancing what you actually want to do and what you think others think you should do. Then, at the end of the day you also have that lingering thought of what you want others to think you're doing looming about too (that damn establishment of persona coming baq @ ya). I've finally hit the point where I'm really just thinking "Fuck it, I'm just going to do me and worry about myself". I'm trying to get to the point where I don't care what other people are doing because it doesn't affect me. It shouldn't make me feel any type of way when someone has new adventures, achievements, or other items of the sort because as long as I'm happy with where I am, who I am, and what I'm doing, nothing else matters.
In the words of the most beautiful Solange, "As long are you find peace in what you're doing, you're successful. The glory is within you."
Satin Top: Thrifted
Culotte Jeans: Zara